Kwindergarten

Well, it's been a month. I thought it would be nice to finally put some of my thoughts into words. There are many (thoughts, that is), and I'll try to be collected here, and somewhat eloquent, but I promise nothing because my thoughts on this subject seem to be fluid and haven't stopped and stood in any particular stance yet.

Plava is in Kindergarten at a private school near us which costs a lot, but has the benefit of (a) uniforms (A LIFE SAVER ON SCHOOL MORNINGS FOR MY VERY PICKY DRESSER!), (b) 3 full days a week as opposed to the public school system which is 5 full days, (c) Plava knowing a few of her classmates, and (d) what seems very good in terms of academics, education and staff morale.

Plava, as many of you regular readers know, is quite a sensitive girl. In fact, I'm reading a very good book right now that seems to be written for me (!!) called "The Highly Sensitive Child" that is shedding a lot of light on Plava's ways and how best to foster growth and maturity in a healthy way. But I digress. She is sensitive, which means many things. One of the many ways in which this (high) sensitivity manifests itself is that she has a different reaction to new situations than many less sensitive kids do. Specifically, she senses more danger, has more hesitation, and holds back as much as she can UNTIL SHE'S COMFORTABLE, at which point she will be absolutely fine, even confident - a leader in the group.

At preschool last year, she had marvellous, MARVELLOUS teachers who were sensitive enough to know how best to foster her growth and respect the rate at which she needed to warm up to things. In their words, "There were some things that we insisted she do, and other things we allowed her to back off on until she was comfortable. By a few months in, she was right in there." This was a small class of 10 students and 2 teachers, a small room, and a nice, enclosed outdoor play area. Perfect situation for the sensitive child to come out of their shell.

Unfortunately, Kindergarten is different. Naturally, there are 18 children in the class, and one teacher, and that teacher has to deal with a myriad of different types of kids, of which Plava is only one. I've tried speaking to her, and getting from her how she's doing with Plava, and hearing how Plava's doing, but in the chaos of drop-off and pickup, it's a challenge to get many words at all in, and as Kindergarten teachers often are, she generally keeps a very happy lovely tone on while talking, and I end up feeling like I'm talking to a mask rather than a real person. Frustrating when you're truly wanting to help your kid adjust.

Now, to set it straight, Plava is not doing too badly. She had a very hard first drop-off. There were tears (okay, screaming panic), and I needed to pry her little clinging body off mine and hand her to the teacher. That was awful, and although I know that it communicated one thing (that I am not able to stay with you in Kindergarten), I do worry that it communicated other things with it (I am not on your side/You can't trust me/I'm not a safe, trustworthy parent). I know this sounds like some harsh self-talk, but these are the voices I have in my head. So after I also had a good weep on the way home, I collected myself and hoped with all my might that as soon as she settled down, she'd hang back and not participate for a little while, but then, maybe, MAYBE start having fun.

Thank goodness that is what happened! In fact, not only did she have a good time, but for the rest of the day I have hardly seen her so excited. She continued to breathlessly exclaim, "I LOVE KINDERGARTEN! IT WAS SO FUN!!"

Awesome! I figured the hardest part was over, but then remembered who my child is. :) It wouldn't be that easy, would it? Well, it was definitely better the next time, and the time after that, then there was a hard morning, then an alright one, then another hard one....etc etc. So it is still often difficult. She refuses to actually walk into the class without me, which I think is a small thing really. I'm happy to come in and help her get her bag off, hug her, and pass her (very deliberately, because she needs it) to her teacher with a "Here's Plava!!". Then she smiles and heads in.

I got a note home a few weeks in saying that she "is having a hard time listening" and that the teacher "had to have a talk about following the rules" and if we could have one too with her please "so she can get her work done". I'm not even going to go into my feelings on getting a note with that tone on the 3rd week of kindergarten about the aforementioned, and described, child above. Needless to say, after a few talks, she cried again going in the next class. Freaked her right out again. Sheesh!!

Anyway, she's had great days since then.

But I guess I'm struggling with more than just how she's coping. I'm struggling with some of my own problems, or thoughts. I guess because I love teaching Plava, and because I did forge a little into the world of homeschooling, and maybe partly because I have been a stay-at-home mom who's somewhat invested myself into this kid, that I feel like I've been kind of given the nod to now step back and just let the school system do the educating. Does that make sense? I sense from the school, or the teacher, or maybe from my own feelings, that there's this, "hand your kid over now, your job is done" mentality about school that makes me....sick? Mad? Feel useless?? I love teaching Plava. I have loved doing reading lessons with her over the past year as she's been starting to learn to read, I have loved figuring out how to encourage her and build her confidence (gently, so gently) just the right way that works with her, and to see her just shoved into a class with a teacher who seems to be too busy to be able to sensitively learn who she is and help that little person grow to the best of her ability....well it feels rotten.

I know this Kindergarten thing is always an adjustment for kids as well as parents, especially stay-at-home parents who feel like their "baby" is leaving the nest, but I didn't expect it to feel much more than...um, sad. Does that make sense? I thought it would be just sad, because I'd miss her. I didn't expect to feel so, so replaced! So talked down to by the school system, as if I'm just a meddling parent rather than the person who knows Plava best, and has worked (AND WORKED) at learning how to parent her in the best possible way for her and I.

I guess I feel angry, and like I've been dismissed. What to do with these feelings?

I also realize that what is in Plava's best interest isn't necessarily her learning from only me, and being homeschooled and all that fun stuff. It's true that she does LOVE the classroom environment (once she becomes comfortable), and that she has fun meeting new friends, and that there's something about the organization of institution ("Mom! We got to LINE UP today!!") that makes her really excited. I just hope for an educational experience for her that is meaningful, helps her to truly mature and grow to the best of her ability, is safe, is inspiring, and that respects the importance of family time. To me, the ideal is NOT full time homeschooling. I don't think I would want to, nor do I think it would be the best thing for Plava. I could do 1/2 time though!!! :)

Anyway, these are some thoughts. I am really not looking for advice or people to tell me she's going to "be fine", so please don't. I know she'll "be fine" but I want her to not just give in to something less that excellent - I'd like her to be EXCELLENT. She already IS excellent! I just hope that school, in whatever form it takes now and in the future, is....(dare I say it?) WORTHY.

Wow. There's a high demand. ;)