skip a beat

Here's a photo that stirs up some emotion when I look at it. It's Plava - hardly a day old.

When she finally arrived after a satisfying natural birth (except for the drugs, laughing gas, and epidural), we were elated. What a feeling to be finally holding this baby that I had been lugging around for months. And how small she felt, and limp, and sleepy. She lay on my chest for a while as I gazed at her, hardly able to believe that she was really here, and certainly unable to fathom the past 3 days of labour, and that I had passed that milestone in my life.

She lay on me for a while, and then Ryan held her in a chair while the midwife and nurse dealt with the post-labour tasks. It didn't take long for us all to notice that she was breathing strangely. Ryan was quite concerned that something wasn't right as he held her and she let out quick grunts in place of peaceful breaths. After a few worried looks cast in my direction, I asked him to hand her to me, and I held her for a while. She grunted on, and at last the midwife asked the nurse to give her some oxygen in the little hospital bassinet next to my bed.

Now, let me just interject some things here. Ryan, as I mentioned, was growing very concerned as he watched all this, and listened to Plava's grunts. I, on the other hand, must have been on some kind of drugs still because even as they wheeled Plava out of the room and off to the nursery, and called a doctor to come to the hospital to have a look at her, I sat in that bed saying, "WOW!!! It's over!! I feel so wonderful! That was hard, but it's okay! I did it! Oh Ryan! Don't worry! She's fine! It's just a little grunting! She probably just needs to learn how to breathe!!!" Even after little sleep for the past many many hours, Ryan had his head on straight. He was worried. So he wandered down to the nursery himself to stay with her, while I smiled and lay in my bed, relaxed and happy to be done with labour!!

The doctor came and took some x-rays of Plava's chest. It turned out that she had something he called "Wet Lung Syndrome" which had something to do with her lungs not fully expanding when she was born. It was apparently a fairly common occurrence, and most babies just needed to be kept on oxygen for 24 hours or so and that would solve the problem. So we breathed a little easier.

That night we slept well - the nurses took care of Plava in the nursery and as much as I wondered whether I should have felt some kind of searing pain at not having her close, I felt quite fine drifting off to sleep. I was ready for a good night's slumber after all that work!!

As I drifted off though, I worried more about the lack of attachment I felt for Plava. Maybe I had some high expectations, but wasn't a mother supposed to feel differently? I felt like I had hardly had a chance to bond with her since she had been wheeled to the nursery so quickly.

So, I decided to try and test my feelings for her. I started imagining someone coming and taking her from the hospital - kidnapping her. I imagined they were black market bad-guys and they'd sell her to who knows what kind of life, and that I'd be sleeping happily in my little hospital room while all this happened. After imagining that, I decided that yes, I think that would be upsetting. I would want to chase those guys down the maternity ward hallways and get her back, just to show my momma-bear colours.

Okay, so I had to try really hard to feel attached to her that night. It didn't take long, though, once the three of us were reunited, to grow a seriously strong attachment feeling! I remember it being so hard to let someone else even hold her. I just wanted to cry. And if they held her, all I could do with myself was pace around and watch her, and wish wish wish that they'd give her back soon. It was so extreme. I remember someone coming to visit us at our house and they held her for a whole 1/2 an hour and as soon as they gave her back and walked out the door, I burst into tears! "That was too long!" I wailed at Ryan. I'm so thankful that he was so understanding of my hormonal state.

Anyway, I'm quite happy to let others hold her now - just in case any of you reading are thinking of not asking to hold her again. Um, no. Those days have passed. In fact, it's really nice to pass her off and give my body a break!! Sometimes I feel like my body is less mine than it was when I was pregnant because when she was in the belly she couldn't crawl over me, claw me, and grab my glasses. Sigh.

I love her. I think I love her more than those first days, though who can really measure it? She's my little "poops" (um, that's short for poopsie) and I do believe she always will be!!!