and these are my latest thoughts

This summer, Ryan started a new job. He's working for a university now. This has some perks. I, for one, can take one course per semester for free. Plava can take 5 courses per semester for free. We're considering skipping preschool and putting her straight into university.

But really, this is very exciting. It's exciting because I would love to take a course per semester to work towards my degree. And I'd love to have it for free! Perhaps soon. Perhaps after this baby is born and we adjust to a new kind of family, I'll do that.

Our car being in the shop still (yes, 5 days later), I've had some serious time to sit around and think. I had quite a tough day yesterday actually, no thanks to that thinking. Actually, I believe it also may have been related to the fact that I forgot to take my prenatal multivitamin the night before. I could be wrong, but something tells me that the sudden depressed, weepy feelings I had all day were not just because I was stranded at home.

I was questioning what felt like the very essence of who I was, what I'm worth, what I've accomplished (or not) in my life. I felt ashamed for not being a go-getter with things that I love to do. I'm not very competitive, and have never stepped out and tried to push my way into the spotlight the way one might need to if they wanted to be a musician (to some professional degree) or an artist (to some professional degree) or whatnot. I tried to convince myself, to no avail, that some people aren't competitive. Some people are content to ride life rather than harness it. Is that all that bad?

I started looking at what I HAVEN'T done. I'm NOT a teacher. I'm NOT writing music and performing it. I'm NOT selling my art. Most importantly, I'm NOT going full throttle towards doing any of these things.

I'm an at home mom.

That reality left me speechless and disappointed. I felt like a waste. I felt pitiful.

Then Plava woke up from her nap and snuggled with me for a while. The feeling of being hugged and loved by her was all I needed right then. Although the feelings of self-pity didn't disappear, something significant occurred to me at that moment.

I have heard countless other stay-at-home moms talk about their feelings of self worth and dissatisfaction - mostly because of the way our culture views us, not because the job itself is not fulfilling - and I have NEVER been able to relate. I have always loved being at home with Plava. I have always felt that it's a meaningful place to be, as long as I'm not sitting like a sloth all day. I have always felt that bringing a new person into the world and introducing them to it thoughtfully, carefully, patiently, and with love, is a job worthy of more respect than many other jobs.

This thought led to another thought, and another, and soon I realized that it was not me thinking those negative thoughts about myself. It was my hormones.

Hey, hormones. PISS OFF!!!!

....

Was that too crude?

Sorry, but my whole day was emotionally flopsy for no good reason. Last night I remembered to take my pill and today I'm much, much more even keeled. (I have no idea still if the lack of vitamins could affect me like that. If not, it may have just been a wacky coincidence.)

I was an utter basket case. I did, however, take something valuable from that experience. I really do want to go to school. I really do want to work towards a personal goal. I'd like to be a teacher one day. I'd like to be working my way towards that, however slowly, so that I get somewhere with this goal of mine.

So perhaps within the next year I'll start. A night class, once or twice a week, sounds marvy to me. Wish me luck with that plan. I have all intentions of following it through.