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I've been coming to grips with something about myself lately. I really have an inferiority complex. I mean it. I've been analyzing myself and the way I think and work, and the things I've done (or not) in my life so far, and have come to some stark realizations. It's quite shocking, actually.

All my life I've loved music. LOVED music. I played piano growing up, and violin, and here and there took up different instruments - guitar, mandolin, clarinet (okay, I didn't really get very far with that one)... I love music. Throughout my life I've written music. I've played it (very sheepishly) for people that I'm close to, and have gotten great encouragement.

I've also been in love with art, specifically painting, for years. Through school I excelled in art classes and loved getting positive feedback from teachers and friends, and I've continued to paint into my adulthood. Those who have seen my art have been, again, very encouraging.

I really love writing. I love having this blog. I love writing about life, love, kids, family, work, whatever. Those who give me feedback are very encouraging.

I love sewing. I've never had a single day of actual training, but watched my oldest sister sewing throughout my childhood, and picked up enough to be able to make some pretty beautiful things. People who I show the blankets and slings to are really encouraging.

So, if I can sing, play music, write music, paint beautiful paintings, write, and sew wonderful things, why haven't I made myself a career out of any of these things?

BECAUSE I HAVE AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX.

I am afraid that if I present my creations to the world, be it music, art, writing or sewing, someone who is far better at it than I am will scoff and say, "You have no idea what you're doing, and it shows."

That freaks me out, man.

You know in reality TV competitions, like Designer Superstar Challenge, where there's usually one person who doesn't have the education behind them but is really good at producing a beautiful product? They ALWAYS get booted out eventually, and the reasoning is ALWAYS that they "just don't have the education/technique/background that is needed to make it". That's how I feel!!

When I'm making something, I'm so proud of myself! I love the process of creating and the feeling it gives me of being alive and doing what I was born to do! I love the energy that wells within me as I paint a magnificent amber sky on a canvas, or inspect the seem I just sewed and swell with pride at the clean, straight line, or re-read a sentence I've just written that's particularly funny.

Why am I so afraid? I wish I had the answer. I can certainly see back in my past the way this inferiority complex has flourished. Through school I was not a strong academic student in spite of trying so hard. By graduation I was exhausted with trying, and failing, to force myself into the shape that teachers wanted me to be. My short stint in college after a few years of working proved even more stressful as I revisited feelings of resentment and anger towards being scored badly on my hard work, on assignments that I felt I had poured myself into.

When Ryan and I went to Japan, I went along as a "spouse". I was the one English teacher in our city that didn't have a degree, and even though I loved it and knew I was good at teaching, I felt inadequate because of the lack of education. When we got back, I got a job as a receptionist - perhaps the job that is famed most as a source for the 'inferiority complex'.

I then got pregnant and left the work force, and was faced with the feelings of inferiority that so many stay-at-home moms deal with when they compare themselves and their "line of work" to women who work out of the home.

Then I started working as the administrative assistant for my church, where the whole darn company was being held together by my administration and bookkeeping, and as I went through the steep learning curve trying to get comfortable with the job, I constantly had this feeling like I was fooling them all - I don't actually have a clue what I'm doing and they think I've got it in the bag!!

It's not true. All these feelings are just garbage. I know what I'm doing in my admin job. I know that I'm doing very important and worthy work staying home with my daughters. I know that I was a dang good receptionist. I know that I was a dang great teacher in Japan. I also know that although I didn't get top grades in the academics in school, I was REALLY DANG GOOD in the arts.

This has been a really hard blog post to write. Hard because it was embarrassing talking so well of my talents at the beginning, and hard because coming to grips with these feelings is like yanking my hair out in large chunks. I know these feelings and thoughts I have are wrong, but it is so hard for me to shed them and truly believe that what I have to offer the world is worthwhile and beautiful.

I read a small article that my brother-in-law cut out of the paper recently. It was a letter - someone asking how to go about supporting their desire to follow their creative heart while still supporting themselves financially in a well-paying job. The answer, very paraphrased, was, "How dare you keep your talents to yourself? Art is meant to be shared with the world."

So, I will try really hard to drive away this black cloud that rolls in whenever I start getting some big ideas. I will try with all my might to ignore that voice in my head that tells me that what I create is NOT worthy of the world. I will share what I have. I will. Just wait and see.