parenting lesson #5,497,027: learned

Aaaah, once again I am learning. Yes, I think this parenting thing is going to be just perpetual learning for the rest of my life. Some lessons are taught by Plava and Pito themselves, some by other mothers or wise-worded friends, and some simply by trial and error.

This particular one has been one of the latter.

Yesterday was a preschool day. Nothing unusual. Nothing different from the norm. Just a usual preschool day in which little Plava was excited as she always is. Three things happened that morning, however, and those things combined with a whole history of a bad habit I've gotten into, and poof, we had the recipe for an early-morning meltdown.

#1 - I was in a testy mood and was (not surprisingly) getting to the end of my rope with asking Plava to get dressed 325 times before it actually happened. This has been a growing trend, and I have learned that pushing only makes things slower, but when you're on a gotta-get-to-preschool-ontime kind of timeline, there is little left to do but push. Well that morning I snapped rather loudly and angrily, causing a flooding of tears from little Plava as she sat on her bed, clothing options laid out all around her. I quickly appologized and reminded her firmly that when I ask her to get dressed, it's important that she listen and obey. And that she did.

#2 - During breakfast, Ryan leaned over and suggested to Plava that today she might be really brave and try singing the songs at preschool with the other kids. This has been something she's just been too shy to participate in (although she happily tells us that she "listened to the kids, Mama!"). Apparently she has even lipsynched a few times (which she calls "singing very VERRRRY quietly). But as Ryan said this, she grunted and said that she might try and sing, us not being aware of the little nerve that was just hit.

#3 - We knew it was going to be an "outing" day because it was Wednesday and Wednesday is usually the outing day. We also knew that the kids would probably be going to a farm to see some animals. It was a pretty chilly day, so we packed her scarf, toque (warm hat, for you non-Canadians), and mittens in her back pack. She changed her mind abruptly though and decided that she wanted to wear her mittens, so on they went...just before we went downstairs to get our shoes on. You might imagine that it would be tough for a 3 year old to put on shoes with mittens on, and yes it was, and off they came, and onto the floor they went, and there in their spot they stayed while we drove off to preschool. As we were just approaching, Plava suddenly yelled, "MAMA!! WE FORGOT MY MITTENS!!!" She was quite distraught because previously she had been on a walk with her preschool and her hands had gotten cold.

SO, we walked in, took off her coat, hung up her bag, got her inside shoes on, and went to do our usual bathroom visit before I bid her farewell. All was going normally and as expected, and after the loo she chose a book that she wanted one of her teachers to read to her. I gave her a hug and said that I'd see her in a little while, and as I turned to go, she burst into tears and ran after me. I settled her down and tried again but it happened again.

I then took her into a little side room and sat her on my lap to see what was bothering her. Well, it all poured out - she didn't have mittens and was afraid her hands would get cold, and she was afraid of the songs the kids would sing (apparently there was one that had some bothersome lyrics....). I talked her out of her sadness as best I could and we went back in, me feeling horrible about the morning we had had prior to this fearful episode.

In the end, she still didn't want me to go and I had to do the pass-off-while-child-is-crying thing. I never wanted to do that, but I was consoled by the fact that she wasn't crying hysterically and reaching for me, and that her teachers are pretty special to her and I knew they'd make her feel better in no time. And I was right about that. By the time I had Pito plugged into the carseat and myself buckled up, she was waving goodbye through the window, in her teacher's arms, and had already stopped crying.

This lesson, then, is all about letting her be. Just letting her find her way without me and Ryan meddling and pushing and trying to get her to conform to expectations that we have of her. I'm reading an amazing book right now called, "Hold On To Your Kids" (which is a really misleading title, in my opinion...), by Gordon Neufeld, and I really deeply agree with the message of it. It talks about the attachment relationship between a parent and child being the utmost important thing. The parent should focus most of their energy on forming that bond and from that relationship will emerge a confident and independant person.

I think this is particularly true in Plava's case. I have seen again and again that when I push her, or question her about why she didn't participate, or try to explain why it's so much more fun when she isn't nervous, she recoils. It's as if I'm pulling her back further from experiencing things. On the other hand, the times when we're all together just having a great time are the times when we see her be the most courageous and bold. It's so clear now that we need to change how we talk to her, how we even see her.

This has been a tough one to learn, somehow. I don't know why it's taken us this long, but here we are, three years into her life, just starting to figure out how to best love and nurture her. Eeep!

Onward, then. It's time for a mind-shift and a re-learning my role as Plava's mother. Isn't it crazy that this will all be so different as Pito grows up? I'm sure she'll take us through a whole slough of different lessons that we haven't had to learn for Plava!!! ACK!!!