keepin' it real

I feel like I've been spoon fed a good deal of healthy perspective. Sometimes, a whiner just needs a swift kick in the nards, you know? That's me.

But without the nards.

Today, a friend of mine was in the hospital undergoing a pretty big surgery. He has been diagnosed with melanoma. I hurt for him and his wife.

Last week, Ryan started a new job at Union Gospel Mission, an organization that helps people on the downtown east side (of Vancouver) who are struggling with a variety of problems including hunger, life on the streets, addictions.

This past six months have been really hard for me. The coffee house that Ryan and I have been involved in opening has been really stressful. I've held back from writing much about the struggles, partly to protect those who I care about who are involved in it, partly to be wise and not vent out into the open air.

In my stress I started having health issues, specifically feeling faint quite often. After many visits to doctors, and a variety of tests, the conclusion that was come to was that I have low blood pressure, and that because of the stress I was under, I was having fairly dramatic episodes in which my body was struggling to keep me conscious.

A month and a half ago, on a weekend night, our friend came to our house to let us know he was resigning his job as pastor of our church. As much as it wasn't a total surprise, knowing how he had struggled with the role over the past many years, it was still hard to hear. We would not only be losing a leader within our community, but I'd be losing a boss/co-worker/support person, and friend. I felt pretty alone for a while, and not quite sure how to proceed, knowing that now the complete administration/bookkeeping of the church, as well as the music leadership would be on my shoulders, and mine alone.

On that same weekend, our friend told us he had cancer. I felt like a wave had hit me and knocked me down. It took about a week to come out of the fog of sadness and disbelief.

Things have changed since then. I've come through a lot of different emotions ranging from excited about the future to feeling abandoned to feeling angry and snapping at people who simply asked me how I was doing. I've wanted to escape to Italy, quit my job(s) and live as a recluse, run screaming through the streets, and punch everyone in sight.

Sometimes life is HARD.

Today, Ryan ate lunch with someone who is trying really hard to stay clean - trying really hard every single day to do one simple thing.

Today, my friend's body was cut with a scalpel, and doctors worked to remove cancer from his life.

Sometimes, life is hard. I happen to believe that there's a God, and he is good. In all the hard parts of life, I believe that he stands with us, holds our hand, and breathes those deep breaths with us.

Through this time I've been learning a lot about perspective. Life is a gift, and health is a gift, and work is a gift, and living in a house with food and clothing is a gift. There are too many things to be thankful for to complain anymore. There are too many good things, too much blessing, too much joy, for me to dwell on the stress and negativity that I feel gnawing at me. And above all, there is this God that I know, who hangs out with me and whispers these things into my ear. Isn't that good? Isn't he good? I only hope those who I know and love know that whispering voice too, and know the peace that comes with it.