flavour of the week

I once overheard someone say, "Oh, that girl. You can't rely on what she says. She's very flavour-of-the-week when it comes to life plans."

I remember being so sickened by that comment. It bothered me so much, partly because I thought it was utterly unfair to label someone like that, and then look down on them for it. Partly because it's natural to get excited about life plan ideas and it's realistic that not every idea is going to come into fruition - so was this person insinuating that one shouldn't allow themselves to explore ideas and get excited about them? I think the biggest reason it bothered me though, was because I have been labeled that way once or twice, and it hurt. It bothered me enough that I wondered whether I should tell anyone my excitement about the latest thing I want to try - running, for example, or an idea to move to Japan and teach English, or an idea that I want to start a business. Why should anyone tell me that I can't dream up fun ideas and run a while with them? Why is it so bad if one of those ideas doesn't happen?

I had a horrible run the other day. It had been about a week since I had last run, and I had been struggling to find time to go, with Ryan out most nights due to a show he's rehearsing for, and Plava with me all day. I could run with the stroller, but I've tried it and it's TOUGH. Not to mention the heat these days!! But I couldn't make any more excuses the other morning when Ryan was home, and it was still cool enough, or so it seemed, that the sun wasn't burning down at 35 degrees yet.

I drove out to a park near our house that has a track and got out onto it. I started my run, one that would be a real challenge - run 3, walk 1, repeat 9 times. I changed my mind instantly about the state of the weather. It was hot. I was wearing black. I hadn't had any water, nor did I bring any. I hadn't run for a week. I was doing one of the hardest runs I had encountered in the training program yet. I had a lot pitted against me. But I started. I ran 3 of those sets, and was really struggling. I was burning hot and feeling awful. But I had felt awful before, and pushed on and succeeded, so I would do it again. By the 4th set I was feeling really unwell. I got through 2 of the 3 minutes and did my walk, feeling a little queasy. I did another 2 minutes and walked. And another. I was done. I was so hot. I was feeling dizzy. I went and got a drink from a fountain.

I felt so defeated! I know that it's natural to have bad days, and runs that don't go well, but I felt so disappointed. I felt like I had utterly failed! I walked back to the car, head down and feeling piteously sorry for myself. I got into the car, turned on the A/C and waited until the dizziness left and I felt like I could drive safely. I drove home.

The thoughts that ran through my mind? There were many. Of course I had the feelings of, "It's too hard for me," and "I'm just not built like a runner." Then others came, "Maybe I should just diet to loose weight." "Maybe I should try biking instead." Then my memory of that awful comment came into my head and my thoughts progressed, "I can't give up. I wrote it on my blog. Ryan would think I failed. People would think I never follow through on things."

Sad to think that I worried so much about peoples' perception of me. Sad to think that I was driven to not quit by fear of judgment.

I'm not quitting. I will keep trying. I look forward to cooler days, but I'll still plug on as well as I can. I'd like to say I'll come to grips with the fear of others' judgment and of having that comment made about me, and I'll work on it, but that's a mindset change that needs a little time to alter.

For now I'll just remember what I finally came around to thinking as I drove home that day. "Heck man, I just got out of the house on a Saturday morning and went for a run!!! That in itself is a great accomplishment!"