waiting, wanting, why?

MAN! Am I ever excitable. Really.

I've been chatting with a few different people recently about teaching. Ever since I was in elementary school I thought that teaching was the career for me. I've always kept it in the back of my mind, through all the different ideas that have come and gone through my head. I really think I'd like it. I really think I'd actually be good at it. I really think it would be just the kind of job for me.

So the question to ask is, "Why in the world aren't you a teacher, Laura?"

Well, the answer has a few different layers. Firstly, I was one of those kids who SUFFERED through highschool. I felt like I was done with it by about halfway through grade 11. I was tired of the drama of highschool, the struggle to please teachers who would never seem to give me the marks I felt I deserved, (unless it was in music or art class) and trying so hard to succeed but feeling like I was failing over and over again.

I had an old French teacher who was rather dated in her teaching style. Actually, it was as if she had been plucked from the days of "the strap" (but was stripped of it, of course), and plonked down in our 1990's school.

She was an angry woman, and very strict. But I didn't despise her like the other students claimed to. I tried to imagine what she was like when she was away from school, when she was herself, sitting at home in her living room. What tv shows did she like to watch? What hobbies did she have, and why did she like them? I tried hard to consider her a person just like any other person I knew.

I even went as far as going out and spending some of my own money on a nice Christmas gift for her one year. I wrapped it up, included a card, and left it on her desk. I just wanted to see her be happy, and without the wrath that consumed her during class.

And It really did make her happy. The next day she called my name out in the hallway and almost skipped up to me, looking far more youthful and joyous than I had ever seen her look before. A big smile spread across her face as she said, "Thank you very much for the gift! It's beautiful!"

I felt so good. It wasn't a pity case though, in case it sounds like that. No, I really just wanted to acknowledge that I saw her as an interesting and valuable person, not like the other students who called her names behind her back and made comments about wishing she would croak.

So there I had it, a connection with a teacher that I thought was pretty solid. Then I, being a somewhat moody teenager, made a mistake that cost me my "A" for the rest of the year. (...and I deserved an "A", folks - I had transferred from French Immersion to a new school and was taking regular French 11, things I had learned back in grade 7 or 8)

I was tired one day, and I decided with another student to skip out on French class and go home early. Big mistake. The next day, I went to French class and after the bell rang releasing us, she pulled me aside. "Laura," she said in her old angry voice, "I checked up on you. You weren't in class yesterday but you were at all your other classes."

I was caught. I knew what I had to do. I confessed my skippage and apologized. This was the best thing I could do in the situation - admit defeat, not lie any more, and hope for forgiveness. But no forgiveness was given. My grade dropped the very next day (she posted the current grades on the wall in the class) to 85.4%. All I needed to get an A was 85.5%. It stayed right there for the rest of the year.

I was rather hostile through the final years of highschool. I wasn't hostile to anyone in particular (except maybe my family from time to time?), but I was just angry at the system for making me suffer through the last few years when I felt ready to move on with my life. I was so sick of school by graduation that I decided to stay away from college for at least the first year. Instead, I got a job at my dentist's office, cleaning out the rooms and sterilizing the instruments. It was a good feeling - I was making money for work that I was doing. It was a great experience working in an adult environment doing adult things.

After that year, I got a different job, and it continued until I met Ryan. He urged me to get some school under my belt, especially if I wanted to be a teacher, or have some kind of career. So before we got married, I went to college and did my first year.

This is the point at which I realized that it wasn't just highschool that I disliked. I realized something about myself - I really have a hard time being judged. I've thought about this a lot recently, about the frustrations I encountered in college where I worked as hard as I could to do really well, and was rewarded by marks I thought were too low. I was also annoyed at my shyness with the teachers, who may have discussed my ideas with me had I had the guts to approach them after class. I've wondered whether I'm a perfectionist. I've wondered whether I'm putting too much of my self worth into the grades I get. I've wondered whether I should just try and get through school without worrying about getting straight A's.

But I have a seriously strong desire to be rewarded for working hard! I want my hard work to be appreciated! I want to succeed and be congratulated!

I think that's a major reason that I'm not working towards becoming a teacher right now. I get nervous about getting bad grades. The funny thing is, I don't think I got below a B in college. And after I got over my grade 10 "I wanna be bad" phase, I got really good marks too. Maybe I should just grow up and realize that even if a teacher gives me a "C" on a paper, I'm still on the road to doing what I want to do. Maybe it's as simple as not being so affected by it.

Eeep. I should just do it. I should even take one class a semester, since little Plava's taking up my days. Maybe I will. Yes, maybe I will.