dirty-thirties

Ryan and I went on a date last night. It was so nice to get out alone and be adults without our children running amok the whole time. We love the darn kids, but wow, what a nice peaceful time we had! We did dinner and a movie, and as we roamed the lobby area waiting until we were able to go into our theatre, I was struck by some interesting thoughts.

1 - I am feeling SO far removed, both in terms of age and culture, from the teenagers of today.
2 - Thought number 1 makes me feel really strange, like I'm quite old now.
3 - Thought number 1 and 2 make me wonder what it is about teenagehood that I pit so much of my personhood on.

Now, not to say that I am still living in my teenage brain, or that my teenage years were the best years of my life, but it seems that so much of what I think about myself now is compared to what I was like then. So much of my experiences are reflected on my experiences then. Thoughts constantly pass through my head about how different I am now (in comparison to that time), what I've done (since that time), how different my life looks (from how it looked at that time).

I have seen a good many friends sheepishly hit the big "30". I have never been very apprehensive, myself, but as the time gets closer and closer, in fact less than a month away, I find myself reflecting on my life up to this point. And what keeps surfacing? My teenage years, and how I feel absolutely unable to relate to the teens of today. No wonder people feel so OLD when they reach their thirties. It's as if my youth is very finally OVER. I'm not in my twenties anymore, which are in many ways a continuation of the youthfulness of teenagehood.

I have learned a lot about myself in these post-teenagehood years. I think the steepest learning curves were right after highschool (entering the "real world") and when I became a parent and realized that life actually didn't centre around ME, nor should it! (SHOCKING!) As a parent, I've realized that I am less laid back and spontaneous than I originally thought, and that I find comfort in a certain amount of predictability. I've learned that I am crabby like a toddler when I don't get my way. I've learned that I have a hot temper when my hormones are raging, and I need to be careful how I deal with it. I've learned that I have a LOT of patience and stamina when it comes to difficulties that I can't change. Most recently, I've been learning all about anxiety, and what it feels like to live with a constant level of it in the back of my mind.

SCHOOL. That's what's causing it currently. In fact, I think that school is what's causing it completely! It's what to do with Plava when she's ready for school. I've been researching and reading and discussing and interviewing people quite obsessively over the past many months, and although I've learned a lot, I still don't know what route to take. I am anxious.

I have considered public school, some types of private school, alternative schools, and even homeschool, and although all of these options have great things about them, they also all have problems, and things that leave me worried and nervous about the whole decision, and ultimately the day that I have to see Plava off to school.

I assure myself that the mere fact that I'm so stressed out about this is a good thing. It must show that I'm concerned for my children's best interests, and that I want the best possible thing for them. But is there a perfect answer? I just don't know. Probably not, actually.

Anyway, to add this to my list of growings and changings and happenings in my life since my teen years seems to me to be adding a 10 tonne weight to the pile. When did I become such a worrying parent? :)

So, in less than a month I'll be older. Actually, I'll only be less than a month older than I am now, but the STIGMA attached to the 30's is something new! I'm happy with life as it is right now, if not wishing it was a little less anxiety-ridden, and I hope the next few years bring adventure and excitement just like that past many have.

I'm going to be THIRTY. Thirty, and I think I'm okay with that.